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Conflict, and How it Manifests in My Life

 

     I am non-confrontational, so conflict does not happen often. I work in a professional environment where I have not experienced any notable conflict between myself and other staff. However, the greatest source of conflict I experience is with an individual I know. This conflict is ongoing, so I will be mentioning how I have and continue to navigate the situation. For the sake of this post, we will use the fake name "Sarah." I have known Sarah from a young age. Growing up, I experienced mental and emotional manipulation from Sarah. As I grew older, I tried to set boundaries with her so that I would not experience the negative effects of our interactions. Now, in most cases of abuse, manipulation, or maltreatment, I recommend cutting ties. However, because Sarah is close to my family, and they want to have her around, finding a solution to our conflict is the healthiest solution for me.

    These requests for space and for boundaries were not met with positive feedback. Instead, Sarah took it as a personal affront instead of a request for space. They proceeded to increase the intensity of their verbal and emotional manipulation. They began outright insulting me, and spreading falsehoods to family and friends about me. This intense level of conflict left me feeling constantly drained, and I felt as if it would never end. Due to the intensity of the situation, I felt that speaking with a therapist would be the wisest option to ensure I would handle this conflict with a general sense of confidence and calm. I also spoke with people I trusted to figure out wise next steps. I utilized a local resource and was able to speak with a therapist for an affordable price.

    After speaking with a therapist, I found a few strategies that worked so that I could deal with this level of intense communication conflict. The first thing I did was create space so that I could enforce my boundaries. I lived with this individual, so I moved out to a safer place. The next step I took was outlining and enforcing my boundaries. One of my boundaries I communicated to her was that if Sarah chose to start conflict at parties we went to, I would leave. Sure enough, during a family and friend party, she started telling people false stories about our conflict, so I left. Lastly, we had a conversation in which I let her know my boundaries /expectations for her if she wants to be involved in my life again. My expectations in short, boil down to respecting my decisions and choices, since a lot of the conflict I experienced from her was surrounding those two. 

    During the conversations I had with Sarah surrounding my boundaries and expectations, I made sure to speak with respect, and I was responsive. I was not recirpocal, as the language spoken to me was harsh. I remained calm and kind, so I did not reciprocate her communication. Looking back at my conversations with her, the way I spoke pulled from different aspects of Non-Violent Communication. The way in which I approached the conversations, was to encourage compassion and vulnerable conversation. In addition to communicating honestly, my goal was to intently listen as well. By listening to what Sarah had to say, I was able to determine how we should go forward.

    Although this conflict is ongoing, I am grateful for the progress we have made. Sarah and I are in a place where she and I know each other's boundaries. In addition, she has been able to respect my decisions, and has given me the space I requested. My hope is that with time, this conflict will subside, and she will be in a healthy enough place to be back in my life at the capacity she was before. In the meantime, I am continuing to hold fast to my boundaries in order to ensure my mental health, and am continuing to work in healing and growing.

My grad cap when I got my bachelor's.
The simple quote on the cap was chosen to remind me to push through, even if what I am experiencing is difficult.


Comments

  1. Nicole SchabowAugust 8, 2021 at 9:31 AM

    Although it may have been hard, it is a great decision to set boundaries. I like how you were able to maintain your calm, kind demeanor while talking to her even though she was not using the same tone. It speaks volumes about your character. I hope things continue to progress in a positive way.

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